Ms. Nessa♥’s blog

I'm not sure if there's any1 who could, or even would for that matter understand just how badly I want to just give up. It sounds so satisfying, no matter how cynical it may sound...i feel so hopeless. && when i vent, i'm somehow still placed in the wrong. Determination, perseverance, overcoming hardships...all of these things mean nothing to me. *chuck...many of times, i just want to cry, but i'm so cried out...nothing happens. I feel numb...numb to my family, my friends, my work ethic, my school...love, life, && happiness. A smile is no longer a smile. && when i do smile, its fake. Trust me, as real as it may appear to be, its. fake. I've stop praying...&& that hurts me so bad to say so, but it's true. God is prolly up in heaven just shaking his head knowing that i have officially lost my damn mind...

My dad called me anorexic yesterday...*tear. I cant even eat anymore, && i think my hair is falling out...*sob.

I'm not looking for pity...i'm looking for an answer, a solution------i just feel like a lost cause....

*sigh.....havent blogged in a looooonnnng while, but wut ev. I've been busy with, lmfao. Pretty much nothing. I find the most meaningless things to occupy my time with, including school which feels very meaningless at the moment, && pretty much just stick to it. Lol, goooodDeal.

Update:

So I broke up with my boyfriend two days before my prom, which keep in mind was something that i REALLY would have loved for *him to accompany me to. (&& i'm not 100% sure why either... ) Which makes me feel a little weird just by thinkin about it, bcuz i dont do "break-ups". Idk, it jus was never something i did, NO MATTER HOW crappy a RELATIONSHIP MAY BE, i jus dont do "break-ups". && the fact that i did it through a txt doesnt really make me feel any better =/ (Hmm, apart of me is beginning to question just how honest i want to be with this blog.) So this relationship lasted for about 8 months....ahaha! && the funny part, well technically it really isnt funny, its just that lookin back on it now. It actually was a little funny. We were both, && most likely still are two VERY stubborn ppl. He wouldnt speak to me, therefore i didnt speak to him, he never called me, && i never called him, he wouldnt txt me, but see....here's the gotcha! I WOULD txt him, he just would never txt back. So after, hmm.......lets say, umm, after maybe 3 months of being treated like nothing, i said fcxkit, && just quit trying, yet still remained "faithful".

&& for any1 readin this who may question as to why i quoted faithful, its bcuz i had many a dudes tryin to talk to me  durin this time, yet, even with my current boyfriend proving time after time that he had no interest in me, let alone the relationship, i still remained faithful. I couldnt/cant cheat....it just isnt in me to be------deceitful, i suppose. But anyways...

I cared a lot about this kidd too, even "loved" *him. (Quoted that one bcuz i'm still in the process of defining that little four letter word.) && when it alll comes down to it, i personally feel that i am horrible when it comes to relationships. I jus get sooo vulnerable, && consume myself with all the ish that comes from this *guys mouth. (Not speaking of any1 in particular, only speakin of guys && relationships in general.) && sadly enuff, i believe every bit of it. So dammit i blame Walt Disney! Forgive me for growin up with the mentality that there was goin to be a prince waitin for me at the end of my quote on quote "fairy tale" of a reality. Forgive me for wanting *him to be that prince. Forgive me for being the culprit and/or victim throughout the entire time, forgive me for just wanting to spend time with you, forgive me for thinkin of YOUR well being when i already knew u could have cared less about me.

*DEEPsigh....i'm over it. i truly cant express, nor even stress that enough. i was hurt deeply during the entire ordeal bcuz once again, i cared a lot for him, && about him, && whether or not he was hurt is something i will never know, or even ask. What's done is done, && what was said, or rather not said in the end, ended it all. I'm not pointing fingers either bcuz all i kno is how i felt, && how *he made me feel. I'm not perfect, i mess up probably more than any other person i kno. But i'm human.....i fall short just like every1 else. I speak, many of times, b4 thinkin just like every1 else.....so wut was i supposed to do? Wait? Let things go? Allow TIME to work things out? Wth do i look like?! So many times i just wanted so badly for things to jus back to how they were in the beginning. Wanted *you to look at me the same way u did after i told *you that i liked *you but was too scared of lookin like an ass to tell *you. So what did i do? I decided to place my self in this vulnerable position && gave you the opportunity, if u chose to do so, to crush my heart, (As relevant as this may be, in the end, you did, but wut ever...i'm okay) but i told *you....&& felt just how i thought i would afterwards, like an ass.....do i regret it? No, everything happens for a reason, right? So there had to be sum reason as to why or even how i managed to summon up the courage to step to you after that Wife && Pastor Appreciation Service...

Woooow....ha. Forgive me for wasting your time, bcuz lookin back, that seems to be all that comes to mind.....well, that && a lesson learned, i suppose. I cant think or even bring my mind to reflect on our "deep" conversations, or the times where'd you'd jus stare at me for the hell of it....those thoughts used to bring a smile to my face, bcuz those thought used to mean something, but now i jus feel-------indifferent. I feel weird around you now too, like i question how exactly i'm supposed to act, bcuz i honestly dont kno. I mean do i jus casually bring up some random convo, or do i just act as though nothing happened? I mean, wut the feezie?! I even find it hard to look u in ut eye. I mean i may look at u, but never in the eye. I jus cant. (Which is something that REALLY BOTHERS me bcuz i have no idea WHY!?) But idk....*sigh, i really dont. Bcuz once again this is all just how I feel bout it....so again, forgive me. 

"I do want to celebrate your birthday with you and I do want to spend my last days in high school knowing that I can go to you. Lately your words and actions, or actually lack of actions have been sharper, and really do cut, and hugs can't make up for that."  -Kaily

I read this on a friends page && it made me think of *you...

I feel hurt, betrayed, lied to, used, forgotten, lonely, let down...&& i shouldn't feel this way. I really shouldn't, but i do. Ask me why i feel replaced? Maybe it was because of the fact that as *he became your "brother", i was no longer your girlfriend, or at least that's how you made me feel. Every couple/relationship has their issues, but u know what I noticed? You don't talk to me about what was or is bothering you.....no, u have *him. Keep in mind, that i have absolutely NOTHING against your "brother", but you? Hmph. Why is that lately whenever we talk, you seem to be jumping down my throat over sumthin i have said or did to *him? Why is that u ALWAYS took *his side over mine? Why is that whenever you see me, its as though you've forgotten how to speak? Or why is that when i'm over YOUR house, you can't even acknowledge that i'm there? Seriously? Oh yea, that's real mature.

You always jump on my back about how i'm givin *him attitude, but u know what? *He looks up to u so much, && jus emulates all that u do, therefore, guess what? He treats me the exact same way you do.......like dirt. But u dont ever hear me tell u anything about that, huh? How *he always seems to be giving ME dirty looks??? Prolly bcuz your too busy doin the exact same thing. Look, i'm a big girl now, && growing to be a young woman, so i think i can handle the truth of you not wanting to be with me, but stringing me along for months at a time without a phone call, or even a txt to see how i'm doing? Is all of that really necessary? No, really??? Why didn't i try, or make any attempts? Oh, u see....i did. Several times. How many times did i tell you about how i missed you && wanted to spend time with you? How many times did i call to see how u were doing? But instead of answering the phone, you jus fwd'd it to voice mail, && txt'd me sayin: "I'm tired, && bouta go to sleep." I wanted to see you before i went outta town over Spring Break, but u were too busy to come && spend time with me, right? Not to mention the fact that u couldn't even check on me to see if i made it, huh? I remember txt'n every1 at my church && asking them--------this was the txt:

"Will you please pray for me && nevaeh, because i'm in a REALLY BAD

situation right now, and just need all the prayer i can get."  

Your response: "........."

My well-being wasn't a concern to you, huh? It didnt seem like a big deal? Is that what it was? Because me && nevaeh were stuck at an airport in Phoenix && bcuz i was on standby, if there wasnt any seats available, then that would have meant that we (Nev && i) would of had to stay the night at the airport, bcuz the next flight wasnt until 7:15 the next morning........mind you that i didnt have any more diapers for nevaeh on me.....yeah. && i know there wasnt anything that u could have done to help the issue && i'm not looking for any sympathy, but just a little consideration would have been nice, but you didnt care to even ask, right? Oh, okay....look, i know we don't talk much, or at all for that matter, but the fact that it feels like you don't even respect me anymore hurts the most....and i don't mean respect as your girlfriend or even respect as a woman, but jus respect as a person. I dont feel that from you. I mean, do i even want to bring up how u jus blew right past me, or didnt even care to look me in my eyes on YOUR birthday? I had to speak to you, && bcuz your whole demeanor changed  once I arrived, it hurt. I wanted to run && cry, but something told me not to. Something told me to stay, && just stay calm, so i did. And it opened my eyes. You dont care about me, && please dont say you do bcuz your ACTIONS, or rather lack of actions speak soo much louder than WORDS. 

But you see, the beauty of all of this is that---i'm okay. There was a time in our relationship where i was caring enough for the both us....even with you ignoring me && acting as though you weren't my boyfriend, but not anymore. I, as a WOMAN, deserve waay better than how you've been treating me. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. And the fact that you can't even see what your doing looks sad on your part, personally. If there was anything that i did to upset u, then i apologize. If there was anything that i might have said that upset u...i apologize. I've realized that sometimes, you have to let certain things or *people who you thought made you happy go bcuz in reality, its/their jus bringing u down. And there are different things && *people out in the world that God wants to truly benefit from *them being in my life instead of hindering it, && vice versa. You're not a bad person, && i still respect you the same way i did since the first day i met you. The love? Well, u tell me where it went...I sent you a txt once saying that: "No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE. No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE." You hurt me, && will probably NEVER know, or even understand the degree of it. I trusted you.....i even-----loved. you.

I'm not perfect in any way, shape, or form, but i tried. I did, but none of that matters now. You act as though you don't want me in your life, so i'll politely remove myself from it the best way i can. I'm not the clingy type because all i ever wanted was to spend time with you, but the truth of the matter is that I was no longer your girlfriend when you stopped treating me like your girlfriend. Period.

*sigh....so umm, right now i'm in st. louis, missouri visting with my oldest sister over spring break. At home, i dont really get to read much, like even for school, or church......i jus dont seem to find time to really just sit down && read a book. My point: so i'm over at my sisters friend houses && she has these bookshelves filled with books && being the former passionate reader that i am/was, i pick one up........which book Vanessa? Now see, i thought u might ask that....the book was entitled Erotique Noire/Black Erotica.....mhmm, && if i think ur thinkin wut I'M  thinkin, then yes. It is about sex. && dammit, i'm 18 years old, i can blog about sex if i ef'n want to ok?

Get it? Got It? Goooooood.

OH, oh, oh......but earlier this morning, i picked up a dream encyclopedia and a few weeks ago, i had a rather sexual, yet, VERY random dream involving sex. So i flipped through the book to see if there was an interpretation of what "dreaming about sex" means......it said (not word for word, jus tellin u wut i remember!):

That when u dream about sex, its usually bcuz of repressed sexual desires and your need for physical and emotional love.

 Which pretty much summed it up for me.....i feel physically, emotionally && affectionately neglected. Period. =/

I prayed && came to the conclusion that i want to kno everything, but unfortuantley.....i will never kno everything. No matter how many questions i ask, no matter how many books i read....knowing EVERYTHING is impossible. && my epiphany wasnt that i jus wasnt to kno everything, but also that i wanted to be all that everyone wanted me to be to everyone, which in turn is impossible. I cant be everything to everybody. Thas why we  have God, but idk....i have a lot of thinkin && jus praying to do. Life is a lil chaotic right now for me.....between skool, my dad, nevaeh, my *bf && other issues, life is feelin a lil ugh-ish.

So tonite i found out that my pastor wants me to give the "Words of Encouragement" for the month of March, lol.....nice. I paniced as soon as i found out.....i mean i wasnt even there when he decided it! LMAO, i love my pastor..........oh, but there's more! The fact that my boyfriend had to give the first one....well it might of been the second one......not 100% sure. But to go after *him.......it jus seems like a [really big deal] to me because truthfully, in all honesty.....*he really is amazing, even when he jus seem to irk the s*** outta me, && doesn't even kno it but wut ev! But, for me, its tough.......i mean, idk what to say?! When i asked em what *he talked about, *he replied: "Are you ready" I didnt understand it, i didnt kno if *he was askin me if i was ready.......i jus didnt kno! Lol, but that was the topic. When i asked *his mom, she told me that he spoke about whether ur actions showed that u were ready. Now i dont kno the specifics yet. But i will in time. But i do kno that it isnt like giving a testimony, but more of jus lettin God speak through you, or me in this case......(sigh) Everyone i've talked to about it so far has told me to jus pray && God will do the rest.

Once i looked at it like that, i became more comfortable with it. If God put it in my pastor to decide that i was to be the next one to give the "Words of Encouragement", then the fact that not only does my pastor believe in me, but so does my God! && that in the end made me feel SOOOOO much better about the situation. April 4--------thats the day, so looks like we'll be counting down frm here on out......the more God speaks to me, the more i'll blog, ya digg?! :)

First off, I jus want to say that God has an amazing way of working things out....forreals! So i woke up this morning, tired, && mad, bcuz i didnt get to finish my homework.......(ended up fallin asleep wit papers all over my floor) gRrr! Any who, went to school, && tried to do finish my wrk in my early-bird class, but i ended up fallin asleep. *__* Then i went to dallas's pre cal class && txt'd shuvai the entire class period bout how i wanted to feel loved && how i missed my boyfriend (way too long of a story to get into now) && then while txt'n her, i feel asleep........wtf, right?!

So then the bell rings && its off to Haddad's Media and Policy Studies class.......yeah. So once everyone gets there, we realize that the normal journal of everyone having to reflect on a political cartoon wasn't being projected. Instead we were told to write about our favorite memories over our past four years at the Canyon. Meanwhile, b4 i began my journal, i txt'd a few of my closest friends saying this: "I've come to the conclusion that i am emotional wreck......&& the devil sees that && is using it against me----------i just wanted to share"

That was my txt.......at that point in time, i felt hopeless...........felt as though the growth in me wasn't enough. Felt as though nothing i did was ever enough. School, my dad, my baby, & just a million other things. I just couldn't get a grip of things, && then whenever i felt that i finally did get a grip of my life && all that has me bound.....i slip. Then i jus took a breath && exhaled.

As a class, we reminisced. About teachers that have come && gone. Students who had jus seemed to be passing on by, && even jokes we'd play on certain teachers. && at that moment, everyone was happy && smiling && just thinking about how far we've come. Then Mister (haddad) wanted to show us all something. But he really took his time in tellin us what it was.....he told us that he spent the previous night "raping myspace" for pictures of basically anyone's page he could get a hold of.....

I love my teacher.....he truly is an excellent teacher, && not to mention, a wonderful friend. && i have to say that that was definitely the best "pep talk" I've ever had in a school setting.......by the end of the presentation, almost everyone was in tears. I needed that, WE ALL needed that. I can't tell u how many people were just fed up with every1 && everything dealing with school....seemed like everyone was sort of on cruise control.....jus getting by on wutever little effort they could muster up.....but mister, he explained to everyone just how much we've all grown. I, personally have known Haddad since my freshman year, && vice versa.......its jus felt like such a long journey......&& thankfully, the journey almost complete......June 10th? Yep, thas the day....

♪♫"But how can i expect to win if I never

try/ I just can't give up now/ I've come

too far from where I started from/ Nobody

told me the road would be easy and I don't

believe he brought me this far to leave me”♪♫

                                                                    -[Mary Mary] 

Those were the lyrics I heard when I put my earphones in my ear……I felt like crying today. I did in the end, but I’m jus so sick of crying. Like……I kno i have to wrk for what I want, but I literally have no confidence in myself. I don’t. At school, my teachers think I’m lazy or that I have “senior-itis”. At home, my dad thinks I’m messing up to get back at him, my sisters & cousins think I‘m doing soooo good, my friends are soo proud of me && I jus think to myself…” if u only knew.” I’m tired && ppl keep telling me to try harder && to do this && to do that, but I dont want to, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere thus far && I’m jus tired.

My first semester report card consisted of 4 D’s & 3 C’s…there’s 4 months left of school, && I--------UGH! I don’t even wanna graduate right now! I don’t deserve to….i don’t! I haven’t done anything worth being proud of…..oooooo, I’m still in school. So the Ef what! I haven’t wrked for anyone or anything, not even for myself……. but I don’t want to live some mediocre lifestyle tho. I feel so confused bcuz I feel like a failure. So many ppl are lookin for me to excel, && to do all these great && wonderful things…&& I see it too, but for me its like a dream……. sumthin so far frm reality…&& it hurts, bcuz I’ve never had a dream come true. I have no drive, no determination, no CONFIDENCE…..nothing. Lol, && its funny, bcuz I go to church (btw: i ♥ my church && my God♥) && feel so good while I’m there && have so much power in my voice when I speak, but when I come to school, i shut down, i feel defeated….i simply fade away. I’m tired. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being a disappointment…jus, tired.

Have u ever sat down && really jus thought to urself……."how did I get myself where I am 2day". Whether its positive or negative, have u ever really jus thought the whole journey through? I do…..& it makes me cry…….when i was younger, i used to look up to my sisters. (Why? I have no EF'N idea) Oh, I kno why. My mom wasn’t really in my life as much as she could have been at the time, but I mean, it is what it is, right. But i looked up to them, && at times I feel stupid bcuz I had been so naive, then I get mad bcuz, these were my sisters…….my older sisters, who I thought were there for my best interest. I lost my virginity at one sisters house && tried weed with a different sister? && I looked up to them?! Neither of them [had/have] any career goals or [were/are] in school, or anything, && I ef’n looked up to them?! Ugh! I don’t even like goin over their house like I used to…..its almost as if the only thing we have in common is that we have the same mother….gRrrr….i’m jus sooo tired.

(sigh) I don't really know a whole lot about blogging...so i think i'll jus say/write/type wutever comes to mind. :) Today was sort of an eyeopener for me actually, in more ways than one too. Found out my boyfriends "brother" is in love....lol, i think its cute. && the best part about it is that, his girl feels the exact same way! I'm so happy for them.

Umm, wow, i'm thinkin a lot into this whole....."blogging world". For sum reason.....i'm thinkin of what i wanna say instead of jus.....typin, i suppose. (if that makes any sense) I think my boyfriend loves me...he doesnt say it, well...theres always the "luv ya's" && wut not in txt'n, but for him to jus come right out && say "Nessa, I love you." He hasnt really done it. Enh, but still, i can sorta jus feel it....i think its adorable the way he plays with Nevaeh, && the way she'll walk over to him, so he can pick her up. It's like one of those things that u kinda jus sit back && reflect like, "Wow, i think i could get used to this..." && not [this] as in him && nevaeh, but this, as in.....*Him. Him just being in my life, him being in [our life]. Bcuz not many boys nowadays would. I could go on && on && on about him, but this blog isnt about *him.....so shall we move on? I think so! ;)

School......gRrr. I sum times would love to jus give the whole CCSD the middle finger, && tell em to sit on it------thas jus how "they" tend to make me feel. It's soo difficult to get things done, && then it hurts bcuz "MOST" teachers is sitting around thinkin that i'm jus not doing the wrk && its nuthin like that. Being a "mom" is a [FULL TIME J-O-B]! Forreals, && i'm not leaning on that as a crutch or throwin it out there like it's gon earn me sum brownie points or anything like that. It's nothing like that, but all in all...that is the reality. When i'm at home, all of my time && attention goes to my baby, && i cant do any homework until she goes to sleep, ya kno. But by the time she [finally] falls asleep, i'm tired frm being up that early, skool, plus the fact that i jus had to play with her for the past 3 hrs!? WTH?! Lol, its amusingly sad when u think about, well at least when i think about it....but i dont think i'm like the average 'teen' parent in high school.

I'm not gon drop out of school && hit up the govt for X amount of dollars.....i'm not gon move out && file for section 8.....i've become a statistic, but there are other statistics as well that i could become, good && bad.....period. It's just a lot right now--------between my baby, my babe♥, lol, school, church, friends, family, etc. It's overwhelming, bcuz i know in my heart that literally, my next decision has a lot to do with that lil girls future and/or her upbringing, kno what i mean? It's jus tough, bcuz lol, it's a lot......(repetitive right?) ;) Oh wut ev! Its a blog, leave me alone! Tired of blogging.....moving on to something else slightly more productive! Until next time.....